hello?

Well, I’m still struggling to make heads or tails of my eating habits. I’m also trying to decide if this blog helps or hurts me. I do appreciate all of the comments and the friends that I’ve made both here and on Peaches and Cream, but sometimes I wonder if I wallow in it too much. I know that several of you have considered the same thing. . .

I got a job adjuncting at a local (60 miles away) university. I will teach one class, and it pays little, but it’s a chance to “cut my teeth,” as they say. Looks like I may be taking out more student loans and going to school full time. I’m not totally opposed to this, but I really hate taking out more money. It’s either that or take another job I hate.

What’s another few thousands of bucks when it’s for your dream, right?

DH and I are okay. We’ve had some lows recently. I only hope that we can grasp whatever we have left.

I’m on a low carb diet, too. I was eating way too much crap, and feeling like it, so I’ve had to cut out sugar. It’s sad–I miss my chocolate and cereal. Meh!

restless heart

I’m having one of those “restless” days. I don’t know what I want to do. I know what I HAVE to do (read and fold laundry, plus a workout) but I don’t want to do anything (especially workout-I’ve already folded clothes, so there!).

Maybe I’ll snap out of it.

Tag!

Hey, my first tag. Thanks Gemma!

Here are 7 weird/intriguing (read: dreadfully boring) facts about me:

1. Up until very recently, I never knew about the “few seconds of silence” rule for popping popcorn in the microwave. Ha! No wonder popcorn was always a craps shoot for me.

2. I have never left the United States.

3. I used to collect world globes and National Geographic maps. I still have a few tiny globes and a few newer maps.

4. Despite being displaced by Hurricane Katrina, I still finished my Master’s Degree in 2 years.

5. I am sometimes paralyzed by the anxiety of Artificial Sweeteners, hormones,  and food preservatives. I am *this* close to becoming vegan for health reasons.

6. At one time in my life I wanted to become a personal trainer. Ha!

7. When I was in high school, my Dad told me about the baby girl he and his first wife gave up for adoption in the late 1960s. He was over in Vietnam, and they were not married at the time, so they thought they were doing the right thing. To this day, I still have not met her. I also have 2 other sisters (his other two daughters by the same woman) who I have only seen once and have not spoken to since. I’m not sure if they know that our father passed away.

Hum. . . let’s see. . .  now that you’re bored to tears I’m going to have to slap a tag on someone.

I tag Jen. I hope no one else tagged her. It would figure that my first tag wouldn’t work out. *crossing fingers*

Sunday recap

I’ve applied for 3 jobs this weekend.

I can’t workout because my skin flap hasn’t healed (see post below). I know it’s not going to heal in one day, but I’m too scared to do a lot of bending with it because it’s disgusting and I want it to close up.

I have watched a ridiculous amount of TV today, and I have a headache.

I will be glad when DH’s intersession class is over. His only free day is Sunday! It’s so hard. . .

Hope everyone is well.

new look

Here I go again, playing with my blog design. I was lured by this design’s promise of “loads of extras.”

 I don’t see the extras. Meh.

I knew from the moment that I woke up this morning that the monster had returned.

Every breath that I took from that moment on was brimming with rage and anger.  I was so unmotivated and incredibly exhausted, and everything my husband said to me stoked my rage even more. Forcibly, my husband and I went to the Farmer’s market and then returned home, where at a little before 11am I poured myself a glass of wine, then proceeded to eat half a bag of tortilla chips.

A short while later I had a second glass, and at this point, albeit a bit tipsy, I could enjoy the afternoon before my DH had to go to work. It’s rediculous that I have to become inebriated in order to not be angry with my husband. Disgusting.

After he left, it erupted.

I hate living here. I hate my life. I want to run so fast, but I’m so tired. I hate that I have to deal with this crap all the time. I can’t live with all of this inside. My weight, my father, my cousin, the marriage and divorce, my Mom, my best friend, marrying again. I’m 27. This is all too much. Is this what I’ve become-a personification of these past events and failed relationships?

Why is my burden psychological–Something so taboo and inexplicable? I can’t just turn off or cut off my brain. I’m too afraid to try more anti-depressants, or to see a therapist. What if I am bipolar? I can’t turn into my grandmother. I won’t. She became a walking zombie years ago. In fact, as long as I’ve “known” my Mother’s Mother, she’s been in another world-a heavily medicated victim of my family. She’s basically a prisoner just waiting to die.  

I’m losing touch with reality. One minute I can see my future plans, and I can breathe. I can make it through the day and do all the “right” things. Then something happens in my mind that is yelling “this is not your real life…. you’ve got to get outta here….you’ve made a mistake….” It’s like in an instant a spark or a flash goes off in my brain and I am so angry that I think of doing bad things, like hurting my loved ones. Then I am so ashamed of even thinking these things.

I’m so tired of reaching out for help. I just want to be normal and satisfied with my life–fuck, it’s the only life I have.

I don’t even know why I’m writing this. I’ll surely take it down because it is too personal and troubling. I don’t know.

I don’t know anything anymore.

What a face

It’s amazing what difference a day makes. Yesterday you would have thought that I had one foot in the gutter, but alas, today I feel much better.

I’m looking forward to going home in 25 minutes, taking a shower, and finishing my book and moving on to the next. DH has to work tonight, so it’ll be a quiet evening at home for me. Perhaps I’ll do a little cleaning and laundry folding, for good measure.

I’m not sure if anyone reads this blog, but if you do, and you can help me, please chime in.

I’m having major issues with my face. For some reason I’m breaking out like never before–I’ve always had pretty clear skin, with only an occasional blemish. Recently, however, my face has tons of clogged pores and is quite oily. I’ve tried the regimen on Acne.org, Proactive, Acne-Free, various cleansers and scrubs, and changed my make-up. I’m at my wit’s end. Any suggestions??

An enlightened mind, kind of. . .

So I just realized that my overzealous gorging on only half-satisfying chocolate (did not contain peanut butter) yesterday is because I knew, I just KNEW that I would be dieting today.

Crap.

How friggin’ hard is it going to be to stop dieting? I also had a revelation that I’ve been trying so hard to lose weight for oh, let’s see, 10 months, and what I’ve actually done is consistently gained more and more weight. I started “dieting hard-core” in July of last year, just to lose 3 lbs that came out of nowhere. Now I’ve officially gained 20 lbs. My question is, if I try to whole-heartedly GAIN weight from now on, will my efforts result in a loss?

I think I’ve officially lost my marbles, and I will one day confuse finding my marbles with finding some peanut butter eggs left over from Easter, and try to eat as many as I can to replenish my brain. It’s 11:20 am, and I need a drink.

Oops. My mistake. . .

I am blogging today in honor of Gold Brick Eggs. (And apparently they are sold out at the Groovy Candies website.)

For a long time (as long as my petite mind can remember) I’ve equated Gold Brick Eggs with peanut butter eggs.

They’re not. Gold Brick Eggs are pecan meltaways. Oops.

Doesn’t matter. I ate about 5 of them yesterday, and I don’t even like pecans. The amount of pecans in these pecan meltaways are more like a dusting of pecan bits, not chunks, so, I could easily savor multiple treats without distressing over the pecans.

Why would I want to eat 5 of these, especially after I had 2 pieces of chocolate silk pie (it was sugar-free!!) and a Pina Colada? Is there any stopping my glutton of late? UGH.

Today I brought the rest of these friggin things to work so that my coworkers could indulge. I’ve had enough.

NOT the most important meal of the day

In response to last night’s pleasure-filled 10 minutes of eating an unknown number of Oreos followed later by 2 bowls of Lucky Charms, I did not eat breakfast. That’s right. I was a non-breakfast eating bad-ass today. Suck on that, Mr. Kellogg.

I considered dieting today. I told myself all the usual crap about how now I’ve done it, and it’s time to straighten myself out, you know, do things right. I don’t think that is the answer, though, considering that it was my paltry excuse for breakfast and lunch that led me to binging on cookies last night. Honestly, Oreos aren’t my favorite. They’re just alright for me.

But instead, I decided to eat when I got hungry, and get over myself.

It felt good.

I’ve spent the day reading and doing laundry, and after a brief trip to the grocery store which could have resulted in the purchasing of cake frosting in a can, microwave pizza, and Cheddar and Sour Cream Ruffles (why would a person eat this crap, I ask? I didn’t buy these things, by the way) I’ve enjoyed my time to myself.

Not a bad Saturday, I suppose.