panic mode

As I was folding laundry this morning I started thinking about the fact that I’ve been living the past year in panic mode.

I like being calm–who doesn’t? I think that scrounging around for a crash diet/workout plan is a result of my panic. When I’m relaxed and calm, I just eat like a normal person. As we got closer and closer to home on Sunday, I felt so much anxiety that I stuffed myself with carbs to calm myself down–precicely because I knew that upon coming home I would feel like I had to get a job–no, really make a decision on a life career-pronto. Now, I’m sure that any rational thinking person would realize that this panicky fanaticism only stresses the body out even more, which in turn leads to overeating, stress eating, and making bad decisions.

My hypothesis: I need to calm the f*ck down.

My strategy:

• gradually swap coffee for green tea
• try to incorporate more yoga (finding a good yoga podcast is a start)
• stop looking for any old crap job and give my leads a little time to work themselves out (I was planning on taking the summer off, anyway.)
• And finally, I want to begin reading my materials for my dissertation. I’ve amassed quite a few articles that I want to look over and think about molding my Master’s thesis into something bigger, but I can’t do that if I don’t start somewhere.

What am I waiting for? A written invitation to start my life?  

Every second of my day does not HAVE to be a life or death situation. I have got to calm down before I give myself a heart attack before I’m 30.

Back to reality

It has taken me days to read up on how everyone is doing, and I still have not finished reading, so comments are coming, I promise!

 The trip was great.  I tried to reason with myself that I deserved to eat whatever I wanted because I hiked at least 3 hours every day, plus went white-water rafting for a few hours on Saturday. All and all, I did pretty well. I over ate a few times, and the 10 hour drive home on Sunday was not pleasant (both DH and I ate crap all day and felt like crap both Sunday and Monday) but I’m starting to feel better. Plus, I began to feel shitty about not having a job and realizing that I had to come home and face my messed-up life. DH keeps reminding me that I was going to take the summer off anyway and that it would be ridiculous to take a job in haste instead of being patient and waiting.

I have sent in my resume to quite a number of private schools and a few community colleges. Of course, what I really want to do is just go to school full time this fall and not worry about a real job. Ah, student loans. That’s not appealing, but it can be done. I’m trying to hold out to see what becomes of my job search, though. I don’t know.

Miraculously, I haven’t lost 30 lbs overnight. I must admit, I’m a bit disappointed about my weight and the fact that I can’t just “diet down” to 135 again. Diets fail, I keep reminding myself.  I eat what I want. I’ve just gotta get rid of this guilt thing.

Oh, and on a suckier note, when we came back from the trip we noticed someone broke into our washroom and stole both of our bikes (mine had a brand new seat that I’d never even used), DH’s weed-eater, blower, and extension cord. They also tried to steal his lawn mower, but hey, their little evil- stealing-worthless-thief-hands couldn’t possibly carry all of that loot PLUS push a lawn mower. Now they will have to wait a little longer to start their summer lawn-cutting business.

Disgusting world we live in. F*ckers.

WTF, wordpress??!!??

So, I just wrote a fantastically witty and insightful post about our trip to Gatlinburg (we’re leaving after lunch today, right after DH’s final exam) and it is GONE!

It’s not saved half way. It has disappeared. I’ll have to make a long story short:

going hiking and white-water rafting

will eat pancakes with butter and not feel guilty

“Gatlinburg is for Lovers” tee shirts

Sadie broke my in-laws kitchen window

Told in-laws I’m worthless and unemployed

did not binge yesterday despite yesterday sucking

If my in-law’s 3 dogs (pomeranians) do not stop the barking every few seconds, I may start poking my own eyes out and stuff my ears with biscotti

Be back on Monday. Don’t wait up.

sweet nectar

Taking care of yourself is hard work. There is so much conflicting information in the world right now that it is almost impossible for a decision-making-challenged person like myself to make a positive lifestyle change that sticks.

Anything I finally decide to do for health reasons backfires.

I think that this may have something to do with latent diet mentality. Though I thoroughly express my satisfaction with myself for eating whatever I want when I’m hungry, I wonder if I’m really eating what I want. I have been eating lots of whole grains, fruits, and veggies, which makes me feel good–plus, they’re tasty. But then when I contemplate the fact that I use conventional produce instead of organic, I obsess about the pesticides and growth hormones I’m ingesting. I really want to eat all whole foods–items without preservatives, artificial ingredients, or hormones. Right now, it’s just not possible.

My main issue is that I can’t seem to shake the artificial sweeteners. Just drinking water is like prison to me.  Of course, you must consider that my Mom practically switched me from formula to Mountain Dew at day three. By age 12 or so I was so cognizant of my own obesity that I switched to Diet Coke, while my petite mother scoffed at me “how can you drink that?” she would ask. Easy. You keep telling me I’m fat, so this is all I know to do about it–start living my life married to the word “diet”.

Today I stopped in Walgreens to get a magazine and I also picked up two packs of Wyler’s drink mixes for my boring bottled water (it’s like a cheap Crystal Light). Of course, it’s filled with chemicals. Bleh! My problem is that if I only have water and juice around to drink, I freak out about the calories in juice and drinking water is like death unless I’ve just worked out. So I have to have a little “backup” to safely allow me to drink a sweet, refreshing beverage.

WTF? All the time and energy I spend trying to wean myself off of sweeteners and then I go and purchase more. Plus I bought a 6 pack of Propel for our vacation this week (did I ever mention that DH and I are going to the mountains on Wedensday?). And I got a Coke Zero for the ride home from Walgreens.

If I really was eating/drinking what I want, I would toss the sweeteners and drink juice and water while forgetting the calories involved. I would also stop using powdered non-dairy creamer.  And I would by as much organic, whole foods as possible.

I just can’t.

thoughts on my dad

For some reason my Dad has been on my mind a lot lately. He passed on October 31, 2000.  So much about his death is still so confusing inside me. I was in college about 700 miles away at the time, and of course, I feel guilty that I didn’t really get to talk to him in those last days. I also feel bad that I wasn’t there for my Mom–God only knows the horror she was going through. My dad had premature Alzheimer’s and PTSD that stemmed from his 3 tours in the Vietnam War.

At the point that he got really sick, he did not even know my Mom at all. Luckily, they lived right near my Grandmother. He was back and forth over to her house, telling her about kids at school and other events from his childhood. He came to her for everything. My poor Mother.

It’s weird for me to feel pity for my Father because for so many years I hated him. Growing up he was so cruel to me for being overweight. I was the butt of all the jokes and to top it all off, nothing I did was good enough. He had a “walking on eggshells” temper that made me insane. It was not fair that we had to cater to his every mood while our feelings were smothered. I used to pray to God that they would divorce.

I’m certain that my issues with men stem from my relationship with my Dad. I’m never completely comfortable with myself in the company of men. It’s getting easier with my DH, but I can still catch myself torn in this weird dichotomy of trying to make him proud and standing up to him at the same time. The funny thing is, my DH never really gives me any reason to stand up to him, so I have to create them. I’m sure you can guess that this creates quite a situation for us. I’m working on it, though.

The whole point of this post was to consider why my Dad has been on my mind. Could it be that Father’s Day is coming up? I haven’t even really given the upcoming holiday a thought, but his memory is still cropping up a lot recently. I never really remember the bad times, though. My mind is centered around this hard-ass, motorcycle riding, pony tail-wearing troubled soul who turned into a man who was reliving third grade.

One time he walked out of the house and lost his way home because the neighborhood had changed so much. Sentences were so hard for him to form. He quit eating the foods he liked and began eating and drinking things that he never cared for–like orange juice. I know– big deal. But it is.  The thought of it hurts me. He also stopped eating dressing on his salad. I don’t know what it is about this concept that really bothers me. Naked salad? Not my Dad! Of course, things got a lot worse for him and my Mom, but these things keep coming up in my mind.

Man, I’m rambling about this. I don’t have an answer or an epiphany about my Dad.  I just wish I could have done something to help.

happy hump day, y’all

Whew, my tag was successful. Woo-hoo, Jen!

 So there are quite a few updates on my life at the present.

1. I am no longer employed. I called the Headmaster yesterday and told him that no, my opinions haven’t changed and I am not a Neo-Confederate Conservative after thinking about it for 4 days. Now I have to bring their books back. Hopefully, DH will go with me one day after school so that I can have some emotional support–I’m greatly disappointed in the way this job turned out.

2. I have not had any alcohol in over a week, nor have I felt compelled to binge. I’m seriously thinking that I am at my worst in the 1-1/2 weeks before my period–and this is all new to me. When I was younger, not only did I have a very light cycle, but I never experienced PMS or any real mood changes. As I approach 30, my body is experiencing many new challenges, so it seems. Yay, body! (sarcasm, anyone?)

3. On the knee front, things are doing well. The right one still looks disgusting, but it has at least closed up. Monday I was able to workout–I did an hour of elliptical/weights. Then yesterday I ran intervals on the treadmill for 25 minutes followed by 20 minutes of the elliptical, and no knee skin-flap issues.

4. I have been cleaning and organizing like it is my job. Yesterday, I tackled the big tub that held my Master’s thesis resources. With all of our moves and what have you, purging crap has not been a priority. Thus, we have been hording some serious junk. Not anymore! (I have a pic of the crap I’ve been sifting through, but DH took the camera to school today.)

5. I’m not dieting.

6. I’m not freaking out. Emotionally, I’ve been on a pretty even-keel. Getting back into my workout routine and not worrying about calories, etc, has made me feel okay. Also, I just feel put together, despite the unemployment. I must admit I shed a few tears yesterday after my husband got home, but he held me and reassured me that I did the right thing. I love that man.

Tag!

Hey, my first tag. Thanks Gemma!

Here are 7 weird/intriguing (read: dreadfully boring) facts about me:

1. Up until very recently, I never knew about the “few seconds of silence” rule for popping popcorn in the microwave. Ha! No wonder popcorn was always a craps shoot for me.

2. I have never left the United States.

3. I used to collect world globes and National Geographic maps. I still have a few tiny globes and a few newer maps.

4. Despite being displaced by Hurricane Katrina, I still finished my Master’s Degree in 2 years.

5. I am sometimes paralyzed by the anxiety of Artificial Sweeteners, hormones,  and food preservatives. I am *this* close to becoming vegan for health reasons.

6. At one time in my life I wanted to become a personal trainer. Ha!

7. When I was in high school, my Dad told me about the baby girl he and his first wife gave up for adoption in the late 1960s. He was over in Vietnam, and they were not married at the time, so they thought they were doing the right thing. To this day, I still have not met her. I also have 2 other sisters (his other two daughters by the same woman) who I have only seen once and have not spoken to since. I’m not sure if they know that our father passed away.

Hum. . . let’s see. . .  now that you’re bored to tears I’m going to have to slap a tag on someone.

I tag Jen. I hope no one else tagged her. It would figure that my first tag wouldn’t work out. *crossing fingers*

Sunday recap

I’ve applied for 3 jobs this weekend.

I can’t workout because my skin flap hasn’t healed (see post below). I know it’s not going to heal in one day, but I’m too scared to do a lot of bending with it because it’s disgusting and I want it to close up.

I have watched a ridiculous amount of TV today, and I have a headache.

I will be glad when DH’s intersession class is over. His only free day is Sunday! It’s so hard. . .

Hope everyone is well.

All Skinned up

First, never think you can take your dog for a jog after you’ve:

A. Got her all stirred up by playing rough with her

B. Done the complete Jari Love Ripped to the Core workout

Let me tell you a painful story. After doing RTTC, I figured that since I was already sweaty I would grab some water and take Sadie to the levee for a walk/jog. We had been rough housing off an on all morning, so she appeared to have bountiful energy with which to jog with me. I thought to myself–it’s the whole 2 birds bit. . . she gets to use up her energy and get out of the house, and I get a second workout. Cool!

Not cool. About 10 minutes into it, I started to jog. Sadie has this thing she does where if she’s excited, and you’re running, she’ll jump in front of you. After my repeated “NO! SADIE, STOP!” She seemed to be doing okay. I tried to adjust my MP3  player while running, and of course she decided to try to jump in my face again.

I tripped.

I landed on a gravel road on my knees. I am sick to my stomach just thinking about the crunching. Ugh. Needless to say, my knees are fucked. Especially the right one. Apparently I put most of my weight on that one before I bounced back on my ass.

I was so mad.

So here I am, repeating, “OMG. Fuck!” and stealing glimpses of the mangled flesh of my knee, and Sadie decides the fun isn’t over. She’s having fun watching me in pain and cursing. I think the blood made her slightly mad, because she kept looking at me and rushing off, running in circles while I still had the leash in my hands. It was madness.

Finally, I got myself up and surveyed the damage again. Yep. I had to turn back. My right knee had a skin flap, and it burned like the many times I’ve burned myself on our stove or with my flat iron.

And of course, the first think I think is. . . “I’ve got to take pictures for my blog.” Snort!

new look

Here I go again, playing with my blog design. I was lured by this design’s promise of “loads of extras.”

 I don’t see the extras. Meh.