What makes me happy?
I’m sitting here at work actually working to a degree, giving my sister advice on her job that she hates via email. I’m telling her to follow her dreams–take risks–do what she never thought she could do because she didn’t have the courage. Life is short and unapologetic.
At first, I questioned the irony of my advice-giving. Am I following my dreams? Am I still chin-deep in a pity party? Am I being stifled?
Honestly, I can see that indeed, I am following my dreams. I will be teaching this fall. I will take one course for the PhD, and then I will apply to multiple schools out of state for the Fall of 2008. By this Christmas, my husband will be done with school and will be a teacher in his own right, and by the same token I will be free to pursue my own studies at a school that suits me without settlingfor BSU.
I will submit my thesis to a local historical journal for publication this summer. I will research my dissertation. I will prepare to teach World Civ, and I will cast my net widely to PhD programs that work with my research. I will not be afraid anymore. I will not apologize for making choices that suit me, and that nourish my dreams.
Whew. Not sleeping at night surely gets your brain juiced up the next day. Either that or I’m experiencing coffee-overdose.
Oh what the hell. It’s my blog, I can post twice in one day, can’t I?? He he he.
I’m trying to work on Ancient Egypt right now, but I’ll admit I’m distracted by thinking about binge eating and intuitive eating. Surely, these two polar opposites can’t exist at the same time–but they do. Now, I did not binge yesterday OR today, but I’ll admit that I did think about it tonight. For some reason, the thought crossed my mind that stuffing myself silly was ample reward for purging our filing cabinet, shredded old paperwork, and folding laundry. And while I’m at it, I can eat as many bowls of cereal as I can since I haven’t lived up to my potential in life.
I can’t believe I left such a depressing post as my top post for so long. UGH. I’m really not that pathetic, honest! I should change the name of my blog to “My Pity-Party.” It would be so fitting.
I binged both Thursday night and Friday night, but on Saturday thankfully I wrangled the binge-monster and rightfully won. We had a great night last night–we got all dressed up, went out for Sushi and then went in the casino for a bit. I felt like an adult–I actually wore mascara! We never go to the casino because we’re not really risk-takers, and in fact, we had never been to the one here, so it was fun. We didn’t really win, though I played on my first 5 bucks for a long time. Probably half of the fun is watching other people and the way they behave in that environment–people sit in one chair and then hike their leg over another so that they can play two machines. We did see one woman hit it big on the quarter slots. She screamed. By the time we left, we were tired and laughing, then we came home and read for a bit before going to bed. It was quite nice; we never get a chance to go on real dates anymore.
Today DH and I are taking our baby to the dog park, possibly riding our bikes afterwards, and grilling out before he has to go to work. Last night we talked more about training for a half-marathon. I’d really like to see this come to fruition–it’s something I really want to do, and this will be the perfect summer. For some reason though, I can’t train by myself. We have a subscription to Runner’s World, and I try to read the training plans, etc., but my eyes gloss over words like “tempo run” and “fartlek.” (he he he, I said fartlek!)
I haven’t really analyzed why I binged on Thursday and Friday. The only thing I can think of is not eating enough during the day, and then feeling guilty and tired, thus throwing caution and reason to the wind. I guess I’m just moving on from it, and praying for peace.
My life has become a dreaded self-fulfilling prophecy. At one point in my life, I felt like I was discovering who I am–I was a strong, health-conscious, young and married graduate student, studying to teach history and in turn write history. I had turned my life around and finally caught a glimpse of my real self. I am good at something. I AM capable of love. I can eat what I want and not gain weight or feel guilty. It felt good. It felt natural.
But today, as I sit here at my desk, I am shocked at how much I have dreaded becoming the person I am now. Now I am isolated and alone most of the time, barely getting any satisfaction out of the things I once enjoyed. Working out is futile, as is reading, since I can’t clear my mind long enough to concentrate. Half of the day I sit at this desk and feel ashamed that I have not become more in my 27 years, disappointed that I still haven’t found sustainable peace in life. The other half of the day is spent rebelling with food in isolation, which keeps the machine well-oiled and almost guaranteeing that the next day, no matter how honest and goodmy intentions are in the morning, I will repeat the cycle with more efficiency than before. The guilt becomes clearer and more defined–it’s not just guilt for the food, but guilt for the glutton, jealousy, and lack of motivation. The shame is thick, like a suffocating tar–I can’t just wake up and rinse it off like the suds of my soap.
And so it goes. My life on auto-pilot. I’m becoming more and more of the sullen person that I DON’T want to be.
With the rate at which yesterday spiraled into blah, I’m surprised that I didn’t just run out of my house screaming. What happened? I don’t know. Well, I take that back, I do know what happened. I acted a fool, was mean to my husband, and was the epitome of pathetic. At least I took my dog for a walk instead of plummeting head-first into the bottle of wine after work. I did have a glass and a half with dinner, but it was okay.
Oh, I’m wondering if the Propel I drank yesterday, which contains Splenda, was my undoing. Was my dip in mood a result of this? I don’t know. I’m not a scientist, that’s for sure.
My goals for today are to put myself first, in a positive way, which is so hard when I know that I’m going home after work today and I won’t see my husband. It’ll just be me and the dog, which is not bad, but I can get sad when I’m alone. I have so much stuff to do when I get home, though (laundry, vacuuming, cleaning) that I should be busy for a little bit. I’d also like to do some research on a good yoga video. I’m sure I’ll have enough time to do that today at work. UGH.
It’s amazing how I can feel a noticeable change in my mood/motivation as the day progresses. I’m going home in 35 minutes, but I am officially aggravated. Nothing happened at work to bring this on, so I can’t really explain it. Things are dreadfully slow right now, so I’ve done my share of reading blogs today. Maybe I’ve been comparing myself to other bloggers–especially academic ones–and feeling disappointed that I’m not where I want to be right now, and things didn’t turn out the way I wanted them to in my professional life. I feel desperate and I want to lash out about it.
Can my mood stabilize for one friggin’ day? That’s all I’m asking for.
Everyday I am more and more shocked that my position here at the ol’ publishing house isn’t a part-time gig. How someone can stretch this into 40 hours per week is beyond me.
This is why I’ve almost gone insane.
Counting down the hours until 4pm is one of my favorite things to do. Second is going to the bathroom. I’m a sucker for a change in scenery.
I don’t really know how I’m digesting my conversation with my sister yet. I think I’ve just pretty much accepted that she is who she is, and it has nothing to do with how much I am worth as a person. If my family is not as close as I would like, despite my efforts to reign my Mother and sister in, then there is nothing more that I can do. I have to nurture the relationships I DO have and realize that this has nothing to do with me.
Who needs a therapist? HA!
I had a good run yesterday. After work, I went home and changed, grabbed Sadie’s leash and my necessities (Mp3 player, keys, ID) and we hopped in the car to go down to the levee. We ran about a mile and walked 2. If I would have hesitated AT ALL when I got home, I probably wouldn’t have even made it out the door. Here’s to spontaneity and the afternoon coffee that helped me push through! Eventually I’ll start keeping a log and really training for a race, but right now I’m being gentle and easy on myself–I’ve had unbelievably high expectations of myself all year, and I’m finally starting to let go. I hope I remember this when the dark days come.