I just realized (while eating my lunch in my dark office at work) that I haven’t been blogging at ALL about teaching and going back to school this fall.
Part of me feels like it won’t really happen, I guess.
Part of me feels like any day I will get a call either from Big State U and Little Private School that they finally decided I’m not good enough.
It’s also hard to really visualize me not being at my current job when I’m still here. I haven’t brought home any of my books or pictures (why did I bring books and pictures in the first place–the books I never use and the pictures are of people who I never talk to). It still looks like I LIVE here. And, for all intents and purposes, I do. But my heart is long gone.
I still feel a bit awkward when I see that people are moving on, and my place of employment has plans and things going on that do not involve me. My organization is putting together a sort of promotional brochure that I never even knew existed. No one even showed me.
When I try to imagine what my life will be like this summer and fall, I really have nothing to go on. I am on a waiting list for a TA at BSU, but that would mean that I would have to quit LPS. Being a TA means that I’d make an astoundingly less acceptable amount of money, but I would also be saturated with academia, fulfilling my dream. This, coupled with the fact that I would have to tell my LPS AGAIN that I would be leaving them before the term even starts is eating me alive. I feel like I should tell BSU not to worry about my assistantship this fall and that I’m already committed to another venture. But then again, I don’t want them to lose faith in me. I’ve already sat out this semester because I was too stressed and scared.
I hate making these kinds of decisions. It makes me want to eat so that I can numb the anxiety. Perhaps writing it all down here will help. . .