Since I’m finished with my work (already?) today, I thought I’d do some research on the library’s database while I can. It’s funny how a simple, rewarding task (more rewarding if I was in stretch pants and a tee shirt, I must say), like research, has given me major anxiety. Not because I feel overwhelmed about the research, or nervous about starting school.

What worries me is whether or not I’m making a mistake by going to BSU. Granted, it boasts several professors that I already know and who already have confidence in my work, a great library and adequate funding for travelling, etc.–it’s still not a big name school for my field. I worry about finding  a job, and whether or not my work will be taken seriously. Am I settling? Am I good enough, but too chicken shit to put myself out there to big named schools?

Then this anxiety swells to worry over whether or not I should just withdraw my application for good and apply to other, better known schools with better departments for Fall 2008. 2008! That’s a world away from now. I can’t keep saying “take me” and “never-mind” over and over before I’m completely categorized as a flake.

I feel desperate.


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