I binged today.
I also went to the library at BSU and felt like an impostor. I can only imagine that this is what sparked my need to binge. I’m not technically a student right now; I canceled my courses this term and I’m trying to register for summer classes, so I was using the library as an employee. This is certainly not a big deal, but it has been quite unsettling in my soul. It’s as if I was cheating on my life–getting a glimpse of who I’m supposed to be, only to be fervently thrust back into my current existence without an apology.
So I ate dinner, which was fine.
Then about an hour later I ate 6 small homemade oatmeal-chocolate no-bake cookies and 4 cups of cereal with milk. How do I feel? Defeated and gross. I thought that getting out and going to the library would encourage and motivate me to get excited about what might happen in the near future, should I get off the waiting list and offered an assistantship. Then came the guilt from telling LPS that I wouldn’t be teaching, and reservation about my ability to even land an assistantship because I’m not good enough. UGH.
Now, not only am I an imposter student, but I’m also fat, wearing my “fat jeans” while I still can, bingeing on crap I don’t even like because my LIFE is not satisfying. Another weekend wasted.