I have a feeling that this weekend will be a true test. I hope and pray that I don’t binge and that I stay true to the idea that I CAN and WILL eat whatever I want.
I’ll admit it–I’m scared. I’m scared because my DH is working all weekend, so I’ll be alone. I’m running to the bookstore after work today, and I’m scared that when I get home I’ll be too hungry to cook anything and I’ll binge. I just want to keep things together and spend some time making myself feel good. If the weather’s good I’ll take my dog for a walk, and of course I’ll do some cleaning, etc. tomorrow. I really miss spending the weekends with my husband, though. This is only temporary, and binge eating does NOT make things any better.
I found out today that my graduate adviser at BSU doubts that an assistantship will come up for me this fall. I talked to my husband about it and I told my adviser that I will just teach this fall and take one class, since it’s my fault that I waited too late to tell them that I was even interested in an assistantship. In reality, I don’t think that I really wanted the position. I really want to teach at my LPS, and I know that it would be too much of a burden for me to make next to nothing while my husband is student teaching. I’ll either apply at more schools for Fall 2008, or let them know within the right time that I’m interested in an assistantship here. Until then, I’ll take one course a semester.
I think that’s the best that I can do.
On the “me” front, for the past few days I’ve been dressing well, and actually fixing my hair, and it does make me feel better about myself. My biggest problem is when I go home. I’m so exhausted from sitting at work, being bored out of my mind, that I barely have the motivation to do anything. Sometimes I workout, sometimes I clean, sometimes I just veg in front of the TV. I never do anything for my soul. So by 7 or 8, I’m emotionally spent, and the only thing that I think to turn to is food.
So tonight I hope to get a new IE book at the bookstore and spend some time with that tonight. I can make it. . . I think.