this year. . .

Oh what the hell. It’s my blog, I can post twice in one day, can’t I?? He he he.

I’m trying to work on Ancient Egypt right now, but I’ll admit I’m distracted by thinking about binge eating and intuitive eating. Surely, these two polar opposites can’t exist at the same time–but they do. Now, I did not binge yesterday OR today, but I’ll admit that I did think about it tonight. For some reason, the thought crossed my mind that stuffing myself silly was ample reward for purging our filing cabinet, shredded old paperwork, and folding laundry. And while I’m at it, I can eat as many bowls of cereal as I can since I haven’t lived up to my potential in life.

Shit, I’ve got to cut myself some frickin’ slack. This thinking is so toxic. I’ve told my husband that part of me wants to not take a class this fall in the PhD program, not teach at the private school, and just find another job, since neither have turned out the way I imagined. I went back to school for a Master’s Degree to make more money and teach. Well, I’m teaching, but at a private school, which means less money than a typical public school. I feel like I’ve let everyone down and that I was dumb to take out more student loans to be making the same amount of $ that I was making when I graduated college the first time. Meh.

I got accepted into the PhD program here and should be happy, but I’m not, because I fucked up my assistantship by not telling them that I was even interested. So instead of taking one class, teaching, and then re-applying for the assistantship next year, I just want to quit it all and start over.

I should be almost done with my PhD if I would have just went straight from undergrad to grad school. Nope, I wouldn’t have it. I had to get a job because I was sick of school and I lacked the confidence to move forward. When my ex-boyfriend was accepted to pursue his Master’s Degree in English, I was working full-time and sulking–stewing–with jealousy. He barely made a 2.8 in school and was living my dream. I was selling cell phones. Because I was scared. And because nothing had turned out the way it should have.

When I finally made the move to continue my education, after getting accepted, moving, quitting one school, then marrying my husband and getting accepted at the local urban university, I was tired. I wanted to teach, but I was so distraught about my life. My first semester was hell–I wanted to quit so many times. I cried, I binged, I knew I wasn’t good enough. But, despite a hurricane, I managed to graduate on time, and with honors. I lost the weight, and was a star student, though I really couldn’t see it.  I had several job offers; my major professor offered me a position teaching at my alma mater during the summer, and I had an interview to teach at a small college not to far from here, but I declined, taking my job in publishing because it was an “excellent opportunity.” I was rejected from the one school that I had applied to start my PhD work, and it crushed me. I would have nothing more to do with college. I fucked up my dream. Because I was scared.

When will I be able to let this decision go? When will I just pick myself up and move forward. I keep bouncing between so many thoughts and imagined situations that I can’t breathe. I think back to where I was a year ago, and I want to just scream to the old me–STOP! LOOK AT WHAT YOU CAN BE!

My inability to let this go is causing the current me to become stagnant. I can’t move forward. I have lost all confidence and motivation. I’ve made decisions and gone back on them. I’ve wasted hundreds of dollars on therapy and anti-depressants. I’ve bought new workouts thinking that my inability to focus on what used to make me feel good was because my workouts were old and boring. I’ve spent nights telling the same sob story to my sister, sister-in-law, best friend, co-workers, my husband. I’ve indulged in alcohol. I’ve gone to the store solely to buy chocolate, cookies, cake icing, and microwave pizza thinking that it would make it go away.

I’ve checked out every self-esteem, perfectionist, overeating/bulimia/binge eating, Intuitive Eating, Depression, and anxiety book at the library. I’ve gone on Atkins, Raw-Vegan, Low-fat, Body For Life, Gluten-Free, and fasted to try and find out why I can’t get my life together.

I think, well, if I could just lose these 20 lbs that I’ve gained, then I can deal with it all.

I can’t. It hurts too deep. It hurts to have your dreams stifled. It makes me feel like I’m suffocating.

My point is, I think, that I’ve got to get back on track to do what I want to do.

With this post, can I let it go?

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5 responses to “this year. . .

  1. Sadly I think bingeing and intuitive eating do go hand in hand for some of us – they certainly do for me. I am always struggling the urge to binge and I am desperate to get to the bottom of the emotional reason why I do it.

    I love the days that I am an intuitive eating success but perhaps I am concentrating too hard on getting it right

  2. Letting of the past is one of the hardest things to do, at least in my life. I read an article the other day that said to let go of 50 things, whether physical or emotional things and write them down. By writing them down, you commit to letting them go and some days when you wake up, you have to remind yourself that you have let that thing go. So maybe, this is what you needed to really let it go. Just don’t beat yourself up if/when those thoughts pop up again. You are only human, just remind yourself that you let that thing go and be kind to yourself.

  3. incessanthunger

    I am so hard on myself. I do need to let things go, and hopefully, one day at a time, it will get easier and easier to watch it float down the stream. . .

  4. I have the same problem from a different perspective. I finished a degree, but am terrified that it wasn’t what I really wanted and that I couldn’t survive outside the protective bubble of academia. I think it was rather brave to go out and try something different, then to return to research and teaching with the certainty that it’s what you want.

    So while I’m new to your blog, I wanted to wish you all the best. I’ll look forward to reading more.

  5. incessanthunger

    Katie,
    I’ve always come back to studying history, no matter what other course I’ve decided at a particular time to take. You don’t know how much I wrestled with which job to take after my MA; I had always figured that I would go back for my PhD once my husband graduated at last (he will this December), but working in Publicity, in an office, has only solidified my belief that teaching is what I do.
    I try to say to myself, “Self, you would have always wondered about that job if you would have just taught in the first place.” It was so hard.

    Thanks, everyone for the well wishes. I feel better today.

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