Monthly Archives: May 2007

happy hump day, y’all

Whew, my tag was successful. Woo-hoo, Jen!

 So there are quite a few updates on my life at the present.

1. I am no longer employed. I called the Headmaster yesterday and told him that no, my opinions haven’t changed and I am not a Neo-Confederate Conservative after thinking about it for 4 days. Now I have to bring their books back. Hopefully, DH will go with me one day after school so that I can have some emotional support–I’m greatly disappointed in the way this job turned out.

2. I have not had any alcohol in over a week, nor have I felt compelled to binge. I’m seriously thinking that I am at my worst in the 1-1/2 weeks before my period–and this is all new to me. When I was younger, not only did I have a very light cycle, but I never experienced PMS or any real mood changes. As I approach 30, my body is experiencing many new challenges, so it seems. Yay, body! (sarcasm, anyone?)

3. On the knee front, things are doing well. The right one still looks disgusting, but it has at least closed up. Monday I was able to workout–I did an hour of elliptical/weights. Then yesterday I ran intervals on the treadmill for 25 minutes followed by 20 minutes of the elliptical, and no knee skin-flap issues.

4. I have been cleaning and organizing like it is my job. Yesterday, I tackled the big tub that held my Master’s thesis resources. With all of our moves and what have you, purging crap has not been a priority. Thus, we have been hording some serious junk. Not anymore! (I have a pic of the crap I’ve been sifting through, but DH took the camera to school today.)

5. I’m not dieting. ūüôā

6. I’m not freaking out. Emotionally, I’ve been¬†on a pretty even-keel. Getting back into my workout routine and not worrying about calories, etc, has made me feel okay. Also, I just feel put together, despite the unemployment. I must admit I shed a few tears yesterday after my husband got home, but he held me and reassured me that I did the right thing. I love that man.

Tag!

Hey, my first tag. Thanks Gemma!

Here are 7 weird/intriguing (read: dreadfully boring) facts about me:

1. Up until very recently, I never knew about the “few seconds of silence” rule for popping popcorn in the microwave. Ha! No wonder popcorn was always a craps shoot for me.

2. I have never left the United States.

3. I used to collect world globes and National Geographic maps. I still have a few tiny globes and a few newer maps.

4. Despite being displaced by Hurricane Katrina, I still finished my Master’s Degree in 2 years.

5. I am sometimes paralyzed by the anxiety of Artificial Sweeteners, hormones,  and food preservatives. I am *this* close to becoming vegan for health reasons.

6. At one time in my life I wanted to become a personal trainer. Ha!

7. When I was in high school, my Dad told me about the baby girl he and his first wife gave up for adoption in the late 1960s. He was over in Vietnam, and they were not married at the time, so they thought they were doing the right thing. To this day, I still have not met her. I also have 2 other sisters (his other two daughters by the same woman) who I have only seen once and have not spoken to since. I’m not sure if they know that our father passed away.

Hum. . . let’s see. . .¬† now that you’re bored to tears I’m going to have to slap a tag on someone.

I tag Jen. I hope no one else tagged her. It would figure that my first tag wouldn’t work out. *crossing fingers*

Sunday recap

I’ve applied for 3 jobs this weekend.

I can’t workout because my skin flap hasn’t healed (see post below). I know it’s not going to heal in one day, but I’m too scared to do a lot of bending with it because it’s disgusting and I want it to close up.

I have watched a ridiculous amount of TV today, and I have a headache.

I will be glad when DH’s intersession class is over. His only free day is Sunday! It’s so hard. . .

Hope everyone is well.

All Skinned up

First, never think you can take your dog for a jog after you’ve:

A. Got her all stirred up by playing rough with her

B. Done the complete Jari Love Ripped to the Core workout

Let me tell you a painful story. After doing RTTC, I figured that since I was already sweaty I would grab some water and take Sadie to the levee for a walk/jog. We had been rough housing off an on all morning, so she appeared to have bountiful energy with which to jog with me. I thought to myself–it’s the whole 2 birds bit. . . she gets to use up her energy and get out of the house, and I get a second workout. Cool!

Not cool. About 10 minutes into it, I started to jog. Sadie has this thing she does where if she’s excited, and you’re running, she’ll jump¬†in front¬†of you. After my repeated “NO! SADIE, STOP!” She seemed to be doing okay. I tried to adjust my MP3¬† player while running, and of course she decided to try to jump in my face again.

I tripped.

I landed on a gravel road on my knees. I am sick to my stomach just thinking about the crunching. Ugh. Needless to say, my knees are fucked. Especially the right one. Apparently I put most of my weight on that one before I bounced back on my ass.

I was so mad.

So here I am, repeating, “OMG. Fuck!” and stealing glimpses of the mangled flesh of my knee, and Sadie decides the fun isn’t over. She’s having fun watching me in pain and cursing. I think the blood made her slightly mad, because she kept looking at me and rushing off, running in circles while I still had the leash in my hands. It was madness.

Finally, I got myself up and surveyed the damage again. Yep. I had to turn back. My right knee had a skin flap, and it burned like the many times I’ve burned myself on our stove or with my flat iron.

And of course, the first think I think is. . . “I’ve got to take pictures for my blog.” Snort!

Continue reading

new look

Here I go again, playing with my blog design. I was lured by this design’s promise of “loads of extras.”

¬†I don’t see the extras. Meh.

melt down

As scheduled, I packed myself up to the school today to discuss the curriculum. I wore my comfy clothes because it was possible that I would be moving filing cabinets and books.

What I didn’t think to bring was some Advil and tissues.

I bawled in front of my headmaster and the other teacher. I had to tell them how I felt about the book and the philosophical beliefs of the school. We all talked openly, and I was frank with them about my faith and views, which seem to be at direct odds with the position of the school, which I can now see is ultra-conservative. I don’t think I’ve ever come this close to contact with the¬†Religious Right in my entire life.

We parted after a few hours on the terms that he and I would take a few days to consider if I should teach there and if I could “grow” in my spirituality. If they are wondering if I can become like them, I cannot and will not. I know what my answer is.

As far as my next step, I don’t know. DH and I talked about it and we both think it is best to maintain your own integrity in these situations. If not, you lose your soul among other things. Right now, I’m not in a position to give that up.

So we’re weighing our options. I have such a headache I cannot even think straight at this point. I can’t believe how emotionally and physically drained I am right now–sure, I got a good workout in this morning, but it’s almost like I had a second more grueling workout at the school. I think I might be ready for bed.

This evening I’ve peeked at job listings, but I’m not going to seriously look until after a few weeks. DH and I are planning a small get-away, and I want to just focus on that for now.

*

Retrospective

I’m sitting here in the library of my Alma Mater. It feels good.

When I walked up to the library, before I entered, I thought I could walk in without it being a big deal. It’s just a library, for crying out loud. But, it’s not–at least not to me.

I’m doing much better today. I have the comfort of knowing that my husband will be home with me until Friday night, when he works. That makes me feel better because I’m not alone with my insecurities and thoughts, at least for a few days.

DH and I had a long talk about the school, and I think I may have been overreacting. Yes, the textbook sucks, but I have a choice whether or not to use it. Technically, it’s not a textbook, it’s just the “teacher’s guide”. They’re not going to order one for each student, I don’t think. I’m going to tell them tomorrow that I don’t like it, and I’m not using it. My headmaster assured me that I have the freedom to do what I want, and that I was hired based on my expertise and passion for history–not because I subscribe to any particular philosophy.¬† As for the other teacher, I can’t let her bully me, and I’ve already made it clear to the Headmaster that I’m strong enough to establish my authority and intent with the school and in the face of this woman. I will always have to entertain others whose opinions are different than mine.

I hate the way my mind gets so out of sorts and I panic–for one, it makes me exhausted, and also it takes me DAYS to recover and think like a normal human being. Once I’m calmed down, I look back at how irrational I was and I’m always shocked and disappointed. It reminds me of when I was in college for my undergrad and I wanted to quit and move. I became obsessed with transferring to¬†Auburn because I missed my family and I was having trouble with my marriage. I loved living in Kentucky, and my classes were going well, but I was worried about getting a job (should I major in history? If I went to a state school I could do nursing or pharmacy–something practical. . . for some reason I can justify medical fields as being useful and worthy, but what I enjoy, historical anaylsis, is poppycock. WTF?) He would NOT entertain the thought of moving or my transferring schools.¬†So I stayed at my small liberal arts college and fell more and more in love with the study of history.¬†

Still in KY, I survived the passing of my father, who took several unresolved issues to his grave, then the dissolution of our marriage in January of 2001. I was only a few months shy of turning 21. Remarkably, I still managed to graduate college in four years. I think I began to doubt by abilities and personal interests mostly because the person I trusted and depended on could not accept me as an individual. Sometimes I would ask him if it would be okay for me to go out with my friends, just us girls. His response was always of course, “Hell no! You’re not leaving me at home.” He had no concept of the fact that I was changing, and he resented me for starting to workout, becoming concerned with the environment and my health, and wanting to become active in the outdoors. He hated that I loved animals, and frequently abused my cat.¬† This was clearly something he had not signed up for, and he let me know that the person I was becoming was NOT what he wanted. He belittled my interests and beliefs. I was his favorite joke.¬†

¬†The funny thing is that now I find myself reverting to the person I was back then. I was shy, non-active, passive, people-pleasing. I am now again very skeptical that I can make a decision¬†on my own. I look to others for my own validation. I mock my own ideas and beliefs.¬†¬†Have I forgotten how far I’ve come?

Right now, things aren’t perfect. I’m anxious about teaching and I want to continue my education. I love my husband, and I respect how much he has done for me, no matter how unappreciative and negative I am. It’s times like this that I can sit back and realize that my fears and worries are irrational and that my coping skills aren’t the best. I’m certainly not the same person I was so many years ago, and I know I’m stronger than the scars of an abusive relationship. My husband also deserves a fighting chance–he’s nothing like my ex. I don’t know what transforms me back to this place on the nights that my husband works. I know it sounds silly, but I think it might be the fact that I get very passive and lazy, going to food and alcohol in an attempt to escape, instead of doing the¬†many other things I enjoy that are more representative of the person I am now.

I have become so sacrificing. I won’t join the gym/yoga studio because it costs money. I won’t get in the habit of walking my dog in the evening because I’m afraid of being mugged. I won’t go to the university library because I want to be comfortable and lazy. I won’t go to see friends or even call them because I’m not skinny, successful, clear-skinned and happy. I won’t go walk around the mall just to get out because I’m afraid I’ll want to buy something and then I’ll feel bad. Eating and drinking in my pajamas is just easier.

This is ridiculous. Funny how I can be so clear focused some days. It feels so good to just get this out there.