I knew from the moment that I woke up this morning that the monster had returned.

Every breath that I took from that moment on was brimming with rage and anger.  I was so unmotivated and incredibly exhausted, and everything my husband said to me stoked my rage even more. Forcibly, my husband and I went to the Farmer’s market and then returned home, where at a little before 11am I poured myself a glass of wine, then proceeded to eat half a bag of tortilla chips.

A short while later I had a second glass, and at this point, albeit a bit tipsy, I could enjoy the afternoon before my DH had to go to work. It’s rediculous that I have to become inebriated in order to not be angry with my husband. Disgusting.

After he left, it erupted.

I hate living here. I hate my life. I want to run so fast, but I’m so tired. I hate that I have to deal with this crap all the time. I can’t live with all of this inside. My weight, my father, my cousin, the marriage and divorce, my Mom, my best friend, marrying again. I’m 27. This is all too much. Is this what I’ve become-a personification of these past events and failed relationships?

Why is my burden psychological–Something so taboo and inexplicable? I can’t just turn off or cut off my brain. I’m too afraid to try more anti-depressants, or to see a therapist. What if I am bipolar? I can’t turn into my grandmother. I won’t. She became a walking zombie years ago. In fact, as long as I’ve “known” my Mother’s Mother, she’s been in another world-a heavily medicated victim of my family. She’s basically a prisoner just waiting to die.  

I’m losing touch with reality. One minute I can see my future plans, and I can breathe. I can make it through the day and do all the “right” things. Then something happens in my mind that is yelling “this is not your real life…. you’ve got to get outta here….you’ve made a mistake….” It’s like in an instant a spark or a flash goes off in my brain and I am so angry that I think of doing bad things, like hurting my loved ones. Then I am so ashamed of even thinking these things.

I’m so tired of reaching out for help. I just want to be normal and satisfied with my life–fuck, it’s the only life I have.

I don’t even know why I’m writing this. I’ll surely take it down because it is too personal and troubling. I don’t know.

I don’t know anything anymore.


3 responses to “

  1. Having resisted therapy and medication for years, I can say that I absolutely understand your position. I also firmly believe that it’s one of those choices you for which you must be ready when you make it. Talking to someone and taking pills seemed scary to me so I waited until the pain grew unbearable and I was willing to try anything to escape it.

    If there’s pain you don’t quite understand – rage or misery or anxiety – I do think the pills take the edge off. And if you find the right doctor, she won’t want you to feel fuzzy or drugged – just a bit less encumbered by the extreme misery.

    In my short time reading, you strike me as remarkably strong and resilient. I have every confidence that you’re going great places and very much wish you didn’t hurt so much in the process. Whatever you decide, I’ll be wishing wonderful things for you. And I hope today finds you feeling better.

  2. The rage and anger you feel as well as the binges are prompted by biochemical imbalance. I felt that for years and thought I was nuts. I tried therapy, cognitive work, normal eating, praying, everything, etc. The only thing that is working for me is balancing my biochemistry by eating totally differently and eventually getting rid of sugar. I’m like a different person already… no more unexplained rage. I now see that what I ate leads to that. LOL. I wish you the best. As a recovering binger and nutty person, I just have to share this when I see others struggle. Do you think you could be sugar sensitive??

  3. incessanthunger

    Lisa, thanks for commenting on my blog. I wonder about sugar, myself. I get so overwhelmed and confused about what I should do nutritionally to take care of my anxiety/anger/depression and my binge eating. Some say go vegan, some say no sugar, some say just all natural. I get so frustrated that my research can lead to a binge.

    I’d like to know more about your journey. I’ll keep reading your blog. 🙂 You should think about changing your comments setting so that people don’t have to have a blogger account can comment–I have some questions/comments about a few of your posts.

    Again, it’s nice to meet you and thanks for sharing your story.

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