melt down

As scheduled, I packed myself up to the school today to discuss the curriculum. I wore my comfy clothes because it was possible that I would be moving filing cabinets and books.

What I didn’t think to bring was some Advil and tissues.

I bawled in front of my headmaster and the other teacher. I had to tell them how I felt about the book and the philosophical beliefs of the school. We all talked openly, and I was frank with them about my faith and views, which seem to be at direct odds with the position of the school, which I can now see is ultra-conservative. I don’t think I’ve ever come this close to contact with theĀ Religious Right in my entire life.

We parted after a few hours on the terms that he and I would take a few days to consider if I should teach there and if I could “grow” in my spirituality. If they are wondering if I can become like them, I cannot and will not. I know what my answer is.

As far as my next step, I don’t know. DH and I talked about it and we both think it is best to maintain your own integrity in these situations. If not, you lose your soul among other things. Right now, I’m not in a position to give that up.

So we’re weighing our options. I have such a headache I cannot even think straight at this point. I can’t believe how emotionally and physically drained I am right now–sure, I got a good workout in this morning, but it’s almost like I had a second more grueling workout at the school. I think I might be ready for bed.

This evening I’ve peeked at job listings, but I’m not going to seriously look until after a few weeks. DH and I are planning a small get-away, and I want to just focus on that for now.

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6 responses to “melt down

  1. Best of luck to you in uncovering your next steps, sweetie. Deep down, in your heart, I think you know what you need to do. And I hope you know that you’re not alone in making this decision. Follow your instincts…the only time I’ve ever found myself unhappy in my life has been when I’ve ignored them. They are there for a reason!

  2. oh gosh. that sounds like a really difficult day. I agree with Jen, follow your instincts . . . above all maintain your integrity.

    I hope you are able to have a more peaceful weekend.

    Sarah

  3. I agree with Jen and Sarah. Stand by your own beliefs.

  4. incessanthunger

    That’s what my husband and I believe, too. I would never be able to reconcile their extremist tendencies and my liberal views.

    Looks like I’ll be schlepping all of the books I borrowed back to the school.

  5. I’ve just been reading through your blog – wow. You sound like such an intelligent person – I completely agree with your decision and with the other people here, don’t compromise your beliefs, it’ll only bring you heartache.

    Wishing you the stength to cope,
    Gemma

  6. incessanthunger

    Thanks, Gemma. I’m a bit worried about the whole situation today, but I’m trying to handle it without bingeing.

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