Monthly Archives: June 2007

Growl

I’m so mad at my body right now.

As I sit here, surfing the net, my stomach is growling like it didn’t get ENOUGH last night. Ridiculous. I’m trying to not eat until lunch so that maybe I can balance out last nights festival of cereal, but I KNOW that this kind of behavior usually results in a later binge.

Crap! I just can’t get it together. I don’t know what to do anymore.

I binged tonight. I don’t know why.

 Tomorrow is a new day, I guess.

ugh

goddamnit. I hate this! I hate being fat!

 WTF is going on??

restless heart

I’m having one of those “restless” days. I don’t know what I want to do. I know what I HAVE to do (read and fold laundry, plus a workout) but I don’t want to do anything (especially workout-I’ve already folded clothes, so there!).

Maybe I’ll snap out of it.

A Very Hot Hump Day

I’m always a bit hesitant to blog about feeling good. Oh, and it’s hot.

For some reason, every time I blog that I am moving forward with my life, the very next day I blow up and everything goes to shit. But, I’ll risk it for a brief update.

I’m trying to not spend so much time on the computer. I’ve made my way through the articles that I needed to read, and now I’m starting on one of two books I want to have finished before July 1st. The first one is a thorough history of women in the United States, and the other is one on Georgia’s education reform in the early 20th century. I know, not a barrel full of monkeys, but hey, what is?

Second, I’ve been on the verge of strict dieting twice in the past week. However, I have not succumbed, and I am eating normally at the present moment. I had a few moments of over eating in the past week, but nothing like 6 granola bars and 4 bowls of cereal. More like 6 Hershey’s Kisses. Why, I think I should just consider that a snack, not a weak moment of guilt. Of course, any day now TOM will arrive which means that my hormonal circus is dutifully slowing down. 

I’m keeping up with my workouts, which makes me feel good. It’s funny that I like to get a good sweat going from an intense workout session. When I was younger, working out meant walking from my room to the kitchen for a can of Pringle’s. Right now, I’m trying to not focus on burning X number of calories or seeing certain gains in my workouts. Just getting out there and doing at least an hour per day of something will suffice.

DH and I have been communicating more efficiently recently and we’ve actually been spending quality time together. A few nights ago we played cards, and as expected I kicked his ass in Rummy, while he reigns supreme at UNO.

Other than it being hotter than the deepest rung of Hell, the summer is going well. Still no job, but I’ve followed up and I realize that I must be patient.

panic mode

As I was folding laundry this morning I started thinking about the fact that I’ve been living the past year in panic mode.

I like being calm–who doesn’t? I think that scrounging around for a crash diet/workout plan is a result of my panic. When I’m relaxed and calm, I just eat like a normal person. As we got closer and closer to home on Sunday, I felt so much anxiety that I stuffed myself with carbs to calm myself down–precicely because I knew that upon coming home I would feel like I had to get a job–no, really make a decision on a life career-pronto. Now, I’m sure that any rational thinking person would realize that this panicky fanaticism only stresses the body out even more, which in turn leads to overeating, stress eating, and making bad decisions.

My hypothesis: I need to calm the f*ck down.

My strategy:

  • gradually swap coffee for green tea
  • try to incorporate more yoga (finding a good yoga podcast is a start)
  • stop looking for any old crap job and give my leads a little time to work themselves out (I was planning on taking the summer off, anyway.)
  • And finally, I want to begin reading my materials for my dissertation. I’ve amassed quite a few articles that I want to look over and think about molding my Master’s thesis into something bigger, but I can’t do that if I don’t start somewhere.

What am I waiting for? A written invitation to start my life?  

Every second of my day does not HAVE to be a life or death situation. I have got to calm down before I give myself a heart attack before I’m 30.

Back to reality

It has taken me days to read up on how everyone is doing, and I still have not finished reading, so comments are coming, I promise!

 The trip was great.  I tried to reason with myself that I deserved to eat whatever I wanted because I hiked at least 3 hours every day, plus went white-water rafting for a few hours on Saturday. All and all, I did pretty well. I over ate a few times, and the 10 hour drive home on Sunday was not pleasant (both DH and I ate crap all day and felt like crap both Sunday and Monday) but I’m starting to feel better. Plus, I began to feel shitty about not having a job and realizing that I had to come home and face my messed-up life. DH keeps reminding me that I was going to take the summer off anyway and that it would be ridiculous to take a job in haste instead of being patient and waiting.

I have sent in my resume to quite a number of private schools and a few community colleges. Of course, what I really want to do is just go to school full time this fall and not worry about a real job. Ah, student loans. That’s not appealing, but it can be done. I’m trying to hold out to see what becomes of my job search, though. I don’t know.

Miraculously, I haven’t lost 30 lbs overnight. I must admit, I’m a bit disappointed about my weight and the fact that I can’t just “diet down” to 135 again. Diets fail, I keep reminding myself.  I eat what I want. I’ve just gotta get rid of this guilt thing.

Oh, and on a suckier note, when we came back from the trip we noticed someone broke into our washroom and stole both of our bikes (mine had a brand new seat that I’d never even used), DH’s weed-eater, blower, and extension cord. They also tried to steal his lawn mower, but hey, their little evil- stealing-worthless-thief-hands couldn’t possibly carry all of that loot PLUS push a lawn mower. Now they will have to wait a little longer to start their summer lawn-cutting business.

Disgusting world we live in. F*ckers.