Category Archives: dieting hell

I’m not dieting. Well, actually I go back and forth between dieting and not dieting, so that I’m probably just getting bigger.

 Last night I drank an entire bottle of wine. Today I have felt like crap because of it.

I got a job. A big one. We’re moving.

Yikes.

The Dumps

Welcome to the Dumps. That’s where I hang nowadays.

Both yesterday and today I dieted. Well, I take that back. I was low-carb dieting until just now when I ate two bowls of Kashi with blueberries and bananas. I couldn’t stand it anymore.

I’m just SO lonely–and when I’m bored and lonely all I think about is how things would be better if I was skinny. Then it snowballs into crash dieting for a few days, then I finally cave and feel bad that I can’t even stick to a stupid diet. It’s hopeless.

Anyway, I hate that lately my blogs have been pathetic. I hope tomorrow is better.

I doubt it, though.

A Very Hot Hump Day

I’m always a bit hesitant to blog about feeling good. Oh, and it’s hot.

For some reason, every time I blog that I am moving forward with my life, the very next day I blow up and everything goes to shit. But, I’ll risk it for a brief update.

I’m trying to not spend so much time on the computer. I’ve made my way through the articles that I needed to read, and now I’m starting on one of two books I want to have finished before July 1st. The first one is a thorough history of women in the United States, and the other is one on Georgia’s education reform in the early 20th century. I know, not a barrel full of monkeys, but hey, what is?

Second, I’ve been on the verge of strict dieting twice in the past week. However, I have not succumbed, and I am eating normally at the present moment. I had a few moments of over eating in the past week, but nothing like 6 granola bars and 4 bowls of cereal. More like 6 Hershey’s Kisses. Why, I think I should just consider that a snack, not a weak moment of guilt. Of course, any day now TOM will arrive which means that my hormonal circus is dutifully slowing down. 

I’m keeping up with my workouts, which makes me feel good. It’s funny that I like to get a good sweat going from an intense workout session. When I was younger, working out meant walking from my room to the kitchen for a can of Pringle’s. Right now, I’m trying to not focus on burning X number of calories or seeing certain gains in my workouts. Just getting out there and doing at least an hour per day of something will suffice.

DH and I have been communicating more efficiently recently and we’ve actually been spending quality time together. A few nights ago we played cards, and as expected I kicked his ass in Rummy, while he reigns supreme at UNO.

Other than it being hotter than the deepest rung of Hell, the summer is going well. Still no job, but I’ve followed up and I realize that I must be patient.

I’m an Ex-Vegan, I guess. . .

I’ve decided that my attempt at becoming a vegan was really a starvation diet in disguise–another punishment that I inflicted upon myself for gaining weight this year.

I’m still off the dairy, for my face’s sake, but I can’t live by eating fruits and veggies alone. I had completely stopped eating whole grains too, even though I love my oatmeal, Kashi, and wraps.

We ALL know what punishment and deprivation leads to. . .

No, I didn’t binge.  I thought about it–I even told my husband about how I was thinking about it. Last night we ate dinner out, despite the fact that we ate out all weekend long, but I was tired, defeated, and in a sense relieved that I realized the truth about my “raw diet”. I ate a chicken wrap, with black beans as a side, and later on that night I had a few saltines with peanut butter. Not my first choice as a dessert, but it hit the spot. You would think that this freedom would have made me happy, but last night was rough. Dh and I were off, and my baby Sadie was very restless all night.

I really need to see a therapist. I really feel like I’m drowning sometimes. Hopefully, this evening will be better.

I’m almost free.

Cookies

So yesterday I ate the cookies.

But what was different, is that I realized that life is a journey. One blip of cookies won’t undo all of the good work I’ve been doing for my face and health. So I just picked myself up and kept going with my eating plan. I felt bad at first, but I could recognize the negativity building inside me. I chose to over look this and move forward. I don’t know if this will be a problem, given my history with eating disorders, but I think that it was a good move, since it stopped me from scheduling a full-blown binge after work yesterday. I considered it, let me be honest. And when I say one blip of cookies, it was more like my LUNCH was entirely made up of cookies. This does not make me a bad person. And last night I rested, then worked out, followed by some cleaning and a light dinner. I had a terrible stomach ache in the evening before bed, and I don’t know if it was the cookies or something else. Regardless, the way I responded to this cookie catastrophe was good, and I’m proud of myself for that.

It’s just cookies, for Christ’s sake. Just cookies. . .

Work

My job is the root of all evil.

 Why is it that I’ve done so well on my “experimental” healthy-face diet since last THURSDAY, but today I’m faced with 5 more hours of work and my mind is trying to convince me that I simply CANNOT make it without binging on the cookies in the break-room? I survived free beer at a race expo on Friday; staying at my in-laws’ house all weekend, complete with junk food galore; pizza buffet (I only ate salad and fruit)? Today I’m starving, even though I’ve had my smoothie, a banana, and an apple. It’s not fair.

My office-mate also brought a bag of Dove promises, and there’s the solid chocolate bunny that my boss gave us last Thursday sitting on my shelf, begging that I consume it NOW, and in its entirety.

These things will not help me see if my face will clear up if I eat them. I’d be back to square one. Why do I want to say screw it? This is my inherent problem–at work, I can easily be coerced (by my own mind) to break every healthy eating plan I start with a binge. These binges are what’s killing my face and my waistline. So if I can realize these things, why am I even CONSIDERING doing something bad?

Maybe it’s my headache talking? My stomach? I don’t know–I just hope I can make it.

Detoxification (Spring Cleaning?)

Whew.

I’ve been feeling great these past few days. I’ll admit, today was a bit rocky at first, but I think it was because we stayed at my in-laws house two nights in a row and I wasn’t used to the bed.

Why have I been feeling good? On Thursday, April 5th, I decided to go vegan. Here is the main reason why:

easter-2007003.jpg

My face is out of control, and much of the research I’ve been doing lately has suggested that I stop consuming dairy. I figured, what the heck, I’ve been wanting to see if I could be a vegetarian, so what’s going one step further and being a vegan?

So far, it’s been really easy. I’ve only had one time, which happened to be last night,  when I was very hungry and wanted to eat something chemical-filled (like, oh, several fresh baked cookies). But I keep thinking about this picture. This is the worst that my skin has EVER been in my life, and I’m 27 years old. I’m keeping it simple, eating mostly fruits, veggies, and healthy fats. The only grains I’ve been eating are oats (today), and I had rice Friday night at a sushi restaurant. I’m weaning myself off of the artificial sweeteners (I still have to have splenda in my coffee) and I’m drinking more water.

I’m not sure how long I’m going to do this. I will definitely keep going for a month so that I can see if it really makes a difference in my face. I know for a fact that it’s already helping my mind–eating this way takes the pressure off of me.