Category Archives: Family

hello?

Well, I’m still struggling to make heads or tails of my eating habits. I’m also trying to decide if this blog helps or hurts me. I do appreciate all of the comments and the friends that I’ve made both here and on Peaches and Cream, but sometimes I wonder if I wallow in it too much. I know that several of you have considered the same thing. . .

I got a job adjuncting at a local (60 miles away) university. I will teach one class, and it pays little, but it’s a chance to “cut my teeth,” as they say. Looks like I may be taking out more student loans and going to school full time. I’m not totally opposed to this, but I really hate taking out more money. It’s either that or take another job I hate.

What’s another few thousands of bucks when it’s for your dream, right?

DH and I are okay. We’ve had some lows recently. I only hope that we can grasp whatever we have left.

I’m on a low carb diet, too. I was eating way too much crap, and feeling like it, so I’ve had to cut out sugar. It’s sad–I miss my chocolate and cereal. Meh!

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thoughts on my dad

For some reason my Dad has been on my mind a lot lately. He passed on October 31, 2000.  So much about his death is still so confusing inside me. I was in college about 700 miles away at the time, and of course, I feel guilty that I didn’t really get to talk to him in those last days. I also feel bad that I wasn’t there for my Mom–God only knows the horror she was going through. My dad had premature Alzheimer’s and PTSD that stemmed from his 3 tours in the Vietnam War.

At the point that he got really sick, he did not even know my Mom at all. Luckily, they lived right near my Grandmother. He was back and forth over to her house, telling her about kids at school and other events from his childhood. He came to her for everything. My poor Mother.

It’s weird for me to feel pity for my Father because for so many years I hated him. Growing up he was so cruel to me for being overweight. I was the butt of all the jokes and to top it all off, nothing I did was good enough. He had a “walking on eggshells” temper that made me insane. It was not fair that we had to cater to his every mood while our feelings were smothered. I used to pray to God that they would divorce.

I’m certain that my issues with men stem from my relationship with my Dad. I’m never completely comfortable with myself in the company of men. It’s getting easier with my DH, but I can still catch myself torn in this weird dichotomy of trying to make him proud and standing up to him at the same time. The funny thing is, my DH never really gives me any reason to stand up to him, so I have to create them. I’m sure you can guess that this creates quite a situation for us. I’m working on it, though.

The whole point of this post was to consider why my Dad has been on my mind. Could it be that Father’s Day is coming up? I haven’t even really given the upcoming holiday a thought, but his memory is still cropping up a lot recently. I never really remember the bad times, though. My mind is centered around this hard-ass, motorcycle riding, pony tail-wearing troubled soul who turned into a man who was reliving third grade.

One time he walked out of the house and lost his way home because the neighborhood had changed so much. Sentences were so hard for him to form. He quit eating the foods he liked and began eating and drinking things that he never cared for–like orange juice. I know– big deal. But it is.  The thought of it hurts me. He also stopped eating dressing on his salad. I don’t know what it is about this concept that really bothers me. Naked salad? Not my Dad! Of course, things got a lot worse for him and my Mom, but these things keep coming up in my mind.

Man, I’m rambling about this. I don’t have an answer or an epiphany about my Dad.  I just wish I could have done something to help.

welcome back

I don’t know how I did it, but I really made it through last week alive, still married and still with all of my faculties. This weekend went by in a blur; my friend moved into a new house, so on Saturday, after DH and I walked Sadie, rode our bikes, and cleaned house, I went over to her house to check things out. Then Sunday was the ubiquitous Mother’s Day lunch with my sister and my Mom. I’m still not sure how I feel the day went. Of course, we talked about weight and I listened as they discussed diet pills, etc. I made my point that I am sick of diets, and that Weight Watchers is really Weight Re-gainers.

Both my Mom and sister agreed that I used to look sickly, and these extra 20-25 lbs (remember, the scale is gone) look good on me. Of course, I wonder if they were just putting me in my proper place as the one who wears size X, and not a size 8.

Enough of all that, though. Today was my first day not working my office job. As of today, I am officially preparing for teaching this fall. I’m taking this week as a vacation week–DH and I are going to the beach on Wednesday, and I’m going to clean out my closet and keep on top of my workouts. I also need to take care of a few things on campus(forms and such) for my class that starts June 11. I keep having to remind myself that I deserve this. I could *NOT* do it any longer.

It feels good.