I’m so mad at my body right now.
As I sit here, surfing the net, my stomach is growling like it didn’t get ENOUGH last night. Ridiculous. I’m trying to not eat until lunch so that maybe I can balance out last nights festival of cereal, but I KNOW that this kind of behavior usually results in a later binge.
Crap! I just can’t get it together. I don’t know what to do anymore.
goddamnit. I hate this! I hate being fat!
WTF is going on??
Taking care of yourself is hard work. There is so much conflicting information in the world right now that it is almost impossible for a decision-making-challenged person like myself to make a positive lifestyle change that sticks.
Anything I finally decide to do for health reasons backfires.
I think that this may have something to do with latent diet mentality. Though I thoroughly express my satisfaction with myself for eating whatever I want when I’m hungry, I wonder if I’m really eating what I want. I have been eating lots of whole grains, fruits, and veggies, which makes me feel good–plus, they’re tasty. But then when I contemplate the fact that I use conventional produce instead of organic, I obsess about the pesticides and growth hormones I’m ingesting. I really want to eat all whole foods–items without preservatives, artificial ingredients, or hormones. Right now, it’s just not possible.
My main issue is that I can’t seem to shake the artificial sweeteners. Just drinking water is like prison to me. Of course, you must consider that my Mom practically switched me from formula to Mountain Dew at day three. By age 12 or so I was so cognizant of my own obesity that I switched to Diet Coke, while my petite mother scoffed at me “how can you drink that?” she would ask. Easy. You keep telling me I’m fat, so this is all I know to do about it–start living my life married to the word “diet”.
Today I stopped in Walgreens to get a magazine and I also picked up two packs of Wyler’s drink mixes for my boring bottled water (it’s like a cheap Crystal Light). Of course, it’s filled with chemicals. Bleh! My problem is that if I only have water and juice around to drink, I freak out about the calories in juice and drinking water is like death unless I’ve just worked out. So I have to have a little “backup” to safely allow me to drink a sweet, refreshing beverage.
WTF? All the time and energy I spend trying to wean myself off of sweeteners and then I go and purchase more. Plus I bought a 6 pack of Propel for our vacation this week (did I ever mention that DH and I are going to the mountains on Wedensday?). And I got a Coke Zero for the ride home from Walgreens.
If I really was eating/drinking what I want, I would toss the sweeteners and drink juice and water while forgetting the calories involved. I would also stop using powdered non-dairy creamer. And I would by as much organic, whole foods as possible.
I just can’t.
Place about 5 chocolate chips on square of graham cracker. Microwave for 30 seconds. Top with another graham cracker. Enjoy.
I don’t know what I’ve been doing for the last week, but is certainly hasn’t been Intuitive Eating. It’s been more like half-dieting, half-IE, and half-eat-whatever-in-the-hell-I-want (hey, that makes 3 halves. . . ).
To be honest, I’m tired of life in general. I think that’s understandable, though. I have such trouble making decisions and feeling like I’ve made the right decision, and this constant anxiety really wears a person out. I’ve actually been too tired to sleep, too. The last few nights have been terrible. Last night was also compounded by too many slices of pizza in my tummy. UGH. That’s not good.
And the whole decision and work that is required to do Intuitive Eating is wearing me out. I’m constantly having to analyze my hunger, and sometimes I get so frustrated that I just eat because I feel like I’m restricting myself. Then comes the guilt, which is exhausting, and then trying to analyze my guilt, then analyzing the nutritional makeup of my eat-anything diet–I can’t take it!!
This combined with the inescapable feeling of being out of place at my jobs (both current and future) is making me feel like I’m in constant panic mode. This certainly can’t be good. Hopefully, it will pass.
I can’t believe I left such a depressing post as my top post for so long. UGH. I’m really not that pathetic, honest! I should change the name of my blog to “My Pity-Party.” It would be so fitting.
I binged both Thursday night and Friday night, but on Saturday thankfully I wrangled the binge-monster and rightfully won. We had a great night last night–we got all dressed up, went out for Sushi and then went in the casino for a bit. I felt like an adult–I actually wore mascara! We never go to the casino because we’re not really risk-takers, and in fact, we had never been to the one here, so it was fun. We didn’t really win, though I played on my first 5 bucks for a long time. Probably half of the fun is watching other people and the way they behave in that environment–people sit in one chair and then hike their leg over another so that they can play two machines. We did see one woman hit it big on the quarter slots. She screamed. By the time we left, we were tired and laughing, then we came home and read for a bit before going to bed. It was quite nice; we never get a chance to go on real dates anymore.
Today DH and I are taking our baby to the dog park, possibly riding our bikes afterwards, and grilling out before he has to go to work. Last night we talked more about training for a half-marathon. I’d really like to see this come to fruition–it’s something I really want to do, and this will be the perfect summer. For some reason though, I can’t train by myself. We have a subscription to Runner’s World, and I try to read the training plans, etc., but my eyes gloss over words like “tempo run” and “fartlek.” (he he he, I said fartlek!)
I haven’t really analyzed why I binged on Thursday and Friday. The only thing I can think of is not eating enough during the day, and then feeling guilty and tired, thus throwing caution and reason to the wind. I guess I’m just moving on from it, and praying for peace.
My life has become a dreaded self-fulfilling prophecy. At one point in my life, I felt like I was discovering who I am–I was a strong, health-conscious, young and married graduate student, studying to teach history and in turn write history. I had turned my life around and finally caught a glimpse of my real self. I am good at something. I AM capable of love. I can eat what I want and not gain weight or feel guilty. It felt good. It felt natural.
But today, as I sit here at my desk, I am shocked at how much I have dreaded becoming the person I am now. Now I am isolated and alone most of the time, barely getting any satisfaction out of the things I once enjoyed. Working out is futile, as is reading, since I can’t clear my mind long enough to concentrate. Half of the day I sit at this desk and feel ashamed that I have not become more in my 27 years, disappointed that I still haven’t found sustainable peace in life. The other half of the day is spent rebelling with food in isolation, which keeps the machine well-oiled and almost guaranteeing that the next day, no matter how honest and goodmy intentions are in the morning, I will repeat the cycle with more efficiency than before. The guilt becomes clearer and more defined–it’s not just guilt for the food, but guilt for the glutton, jealousy, and lack of motivation. The shame is thick, like a suffocating tar–I can’t just wake up and rinse it off like the suds of my soap.
And so it goes. My life on auto-pilot. I’m becoming more and more of the sullen person that I DON’T want to be.