Category Archives: graduate school

I haven’t posted here in a while because so many things have changed. I got a new job, I’m working on my PhD, and remarkably the binge eating has stopped.

 I haven’t decided what to do with this blog. I might can it….

panic mode

As I was folding laundry this morning I started thinking about the fact that I’ve been living the past year in panic mode.

I like being calm–who doesn’t? I think that scrounging around for a crash diet/workout plan is a result of my panic. When I’m relaxed and calm, I just eat like a normal person. As we got closer and closer to home on Sunday, I felt so much anxiety that I stuffed myself with carbs to calm myself down–precicely because I knew that upon coming home I would feel like I had to get a job–no, really make a decision on a life career-pronto. Now, I’m sure that any rational thinking person would realize that this panicky fanaticism only stresses the body out even more, which in turn leads to overeating, stress eating, and making bad decisions.

My hypothesis: I need to calm the f*ck down.

My strategy:

  • gradually swap coffee for green tea
  • try to incorporate more yoga (finding a good yoga podcast is a start)
  • stop looking for any old crap job and give my leads a little time to work themselves out (I was planning on taking the summer off, anyway.)
  • And finally, I want to begin reading my materials for my dissertation. I’ve amassed quite a few articles that I want to look over and think about molding my Master’s thesis into something bigger, but I can’t do that if I don’t start somewhere.

What am I waiting for? A written invitation to start my life?  

Every second of my day does not HAVE to be a life or death situation. I have got to calm down before I give myself a heart attack before I’m 30.

Back to reality

It has taken me days to read up on how everyone is doing, and I still have not finished reading, so comments are coming, I promise!

 The trip was great.  I tried to reason with myself that I deserved to eat whatever I wanted because I hiked at least 3 hours every day, plus went white-water rafting for a few hours on Saturday. All and all, I did pretty well. I over ate a few times, and the 10 hour drive home on Sunday was not pleasant (both DH and I ate crap all day and felt like crap both Sunday and Monday) but I’m starting to feel better. Plus, I began to feel shitty about not having a job and realizing that I had to come home and face my messed-up life. DH keeps reminding me that I was going to take the summer off anyway and that it would be ridiculous to take a job in haste instead of being patient and waiting.

I have sent in my resume to quite a number of private schools and a few community colleges. Of course, what I really want to do is just go to school full time this fall and not worry about a real job. Ah, student loans. That’s not appealing, but it can be done. I’m trying to hold out to see what becomes of my job search, though. I don’t know.

Miraculously, I haven’t lost 30 lbs overnight. I must admit, I’m a bit disappointed about my weight and the fact that I can’t just “diet down” to 135 again. Diets fail, I keep reminding myself.  I eat what I want. I’ve just gotta get rid of this guilt thing.

Oh, and on a suckier note, when we came back from the trip we noticed someone broke into our washroom and stole both of our bikes (mine had a brand new seat that I’d never even used), DH’s weed-eater, blower, and extension cord. They also tried to steal his lawn mower, but hey, their little evil- stealing-worthless-thief-hands couldn’t possibly carry all of that loot PLUS push a lawn mower. Now they will have to wait a little longer to start their summer lawn-cutting business.

Disgusting world we live in. F*ckers.

Dreams

What makes me happy?

I’m sitting here at work actually working to a degree, giving my sister advice on her job that she hates via email. I’m telling her to follow her dreams–take risks–do what she never thought she could do because she didn’t have the courage. Life is short and unapologetic.

At first, I questioned the irony of my advice-giving. Am I following my dreams? Am I still chin-deep in a pity party? Am I being stifled?

Honestly, I can see that indeed, I am following my dreams. I will be teaching this fall. I will take one course for the PhD, and then I will apply to multiple schools out of state for the Fall of 2008. By this Christmas, my husband will be done with school and will be a teacher in his own right, and by the same token I will be free to pursue my own studies at a school that suits me without settlingfor BSU.

I will submit my thesis to a local historical journal for publication this summer. I will research my dissertation. I will prepare to teach World Civ, and I will cast my net widely to PhD programs that work with my research. I will not be afraid anymore. I will not apologize for making choices that suit me, and that nourish my dreams.

Whew. Not sleeping at night surely gets your brain juiced up the next day. Either that or I’m experiencing coffee-overdose.

this year. . .

Oh what the hell. It’s my blog, I can post twice in one day, can’t I?? He he he.

I’m trying to work on Ancient Egypt right now, but I’ll admit I’m distracted by thinking about binge eating and intuitive eating. Surely, these two polar opposites can’t exist at the same time–but they do. Now, I did not binge yesterday OR today, but I’ll admit that I did think about it tonight. For some reason, the thought crossed my mind that stuffing myself silly was ample reward for purging our filing cabinet, shredded old paperwork, and folding laundry. And while I’m at it, I can eat as many bowls of cereal as I can since I haven’t lived up to my potential in life.

Continue reading

Weekends Are Tough

I have a feeling that this weekend will be a true test.  I hope and pray that I don’t binge and that I stay true to the idea that I CAN and WILL eat whatever I want.

 I’ll admit it–I’m scared. I’m scared because my DH is working all weekend, so I’ll be alone. I’m running to the bookstore after work today, and I’m scared that when I get home I’ll be too hungry to cook anything and I’ll binge. I just want to keep things together and spend some time making myself feel good. If the weather’s good I’ll take my dog for a walk, and of course I’ll do some cleaning, etc. tomorrow. I really miss spending the weekends with my husband, though. This is only temporary, and binge eating does NOT make things any better.

I found out today that my graduate adviser at BSU doubts that an assistantship will come up for me this fall. I talked to my husband about it and I told my adviser that I will just teach this fall and take one class, since it’s my fault that I waited too late to tell them that I was even interested in an assistantship. In reality, I don’t think that I really wanted the position. I really want to teach at my LPS, and I know that it would be too much of a burden for me to make next to nothing while my husband is student teaching. I’ll either apply at more schools for Fall 2008, or let them know within the right time that I’m interested in an assistantship here. Until then, I’ll take one course a semester.

I think that’s the best that I can do.

On the “me” front, for the past few days I’ve been dressing well, and actually fixing my hair, and it does make me feel better about myself. My biggest problem is when I go home. I’m so exhausted from sitting at work, being bored out of my mind, that I barely have the motivation to do anything. Sometimes I workout, sometimes I clean, sometimes I just veg in front of the TV. I never do anything for my soul. So by 7 or 8, I’m emotionally spent, and the only thing that I think to turn to is food.

So tonight I hope to get a new IE book at the bookstore and spend some time with that tonight. I can make it. . . I think.

Stop that Impostor!

I binged today.

I also went to the library at BSU and felt like an impostor. I can only imagine that this is what sparked my need to binge. I’m not technically a student right now; I canceled my courses this term and I’m trying to register for summer classes, so I was using the library as an employee. This is certainly not a big deal, but it has been quite unsettling in my soul. It’s as if I was cheating on my life–getting a glimpse of who I’m supposed to be, only to be fervently thrust back into my current existence without an apology.

So I ate dinner, which was fine.

Then about an hour later I ate 6 small homemade oatmeal-chocolate no-bake cookies and 4 cups of cereal with milk. How do I feel? Defeated and gross. I thought that getting out and going to the library would encourage and motivate me to get excited about what might happen in the near future, should I get off the waiting list and offered an assistantship. Then came the guilt from telling LPS that I wouldn’t be teaching, and reservation about my ability to even land an assistantship because I’m not good enough. UGH.

Now, not only am I an imposter student, but I’m also fat, wearing my “fat jeans” while I still can, bingeing on crap I don’t even like because my LIFE is not satisfying. Another weekend wasted.