I knew from the moment that I woke up this morning that the monster had returned.
Every breath that I took from that moment on was brimming with rage and anger. I was so unmotivated and incredibly exhausted, and everything my husband said to me stoked my rage even more. Forcibly, my husband and I went to the Farmer’s market and then returned home, where at a little before 11am I poured myself a glass of wine, then proceeded to eat half a bag of tortilla chips.
A short while later I had a second glass, and at this point, albeit a bit tipsy, I could enjoy the afternoon before my DH had to go to work. It’s rediculous that I have to become inebriated in order to not be angry with my husband. Disgusting.
After he left, it erupted.
I hate living here. I hate my life. I want to run so fast, but I’m so tired. I hate that I have to deal with this crap all the time. I can’t live with all of this inside. My weight, my father, my cousin, the marriage and divorce, my Mom, my best friend, marrying again. I’m 27. This is all too much. Is this what I’ve become-a personification of these past events and failed relationships?
Why is my burden psychological–Something so taboo and inexplicable? I can’t just turn off or cut off my brain. I’m too afraid to try more anti-depressants, or to see a therapist. What if I am bipolar? I can’t turn into my grandmother. I won’t. She became a walking zombie years ago. In fact, as long as I’ve “known” my Mother’s Mother, she’s been in another world-a heavily medicated victim of my family. She’s basically a prisoner just waiting to die.
I’m losing touch with reality. One minute I can see my future plans, and I can breathe. I can make it through the day and do all the “right” things. Then something happens in my mind that is yelling “this is not your real life…. you’ve got to get outta here….you’ve made a mistake….” It’s like in an instant a spark or a flash goes off in my brain and I am so angry that I think of doing bad things, like hurting my loved ones. Then I am so ashamed of even thinking these things.
I’m so tired of reaching out for help. I just want to be normal and satisfied with my life–fuck, it’s the only life I have.
I don’t even know why I’m writing this. I’ll surely take it down because it is too personal and troubling. I don’t know.
I don’t know anything anymore.