goddamnit. I hate this! I hate being fat!

 WTF is going on??


restless heart

I’m having one of those “restless” days. I don’t know what I want to do. I know what I HAVE to do (read and fold laundry, plus a workout) but I don’t want to do anything (especially workout-I’ve already folded clothes, so there!).

Maybe I’ll snap out of it.

A Very Hot Hump Day

I’m always a bit hesitant to blog about feeling good. Oh, and it’s hot.

For some reason, every time I blog that I am moving forward with my life, the very next day I blow up and everything goes to shit. But, I’ll risk it for a brief update.

I’m trying to not spend so much time on the computer. I’ve made my way through the articles that I needed to read, and now I’m starting on one of two books I want to have finished before July 1st. The first one is a thorough history of women in the United States, and the other is one on Georgia’s education reform in the early 20th century. I know, not a barrel full of monkeys, but hey, what is?

Second, I’ve been on the verge of strict dieting twice in the past week. However, I have not succumbed, and I am eating normally at the present moment. I had a few moments of over eating in the past week, but nothing like 6 granola bars and 4 bowls of cereal. More like 6 Hershey’s Kisses. Why, I think I should just consider that a snack, not a weak moment of guilt. Of course, any day now TOM will arrive which means that my hormonal circus is dutifully slowing down. 

I’m keeping up with my workouts, which makes me feel good. It’s funny that I like to get a good sweat going from an intense workout session. When I was younger, working out meant walking from my room to the kitchen for a can of Pringle’s. Right now, I’m trying to not focus on burning X number of calories or seeing certain gains in my workouts. Just getting out there and doing at least an hour per day of something will suffice.

DH and I have been communicating more efficiently recently and we’ve actually been spending quality time together. A few nights ago we played cards, and as expected I kicked his ass in Rummy, while he reigns supreme at UNO.

Other than it being hotter than the deepest rung of Hell, the summer is going well. Still no job, but I’ve followed up and I realize that I must be patient.

panic mode

As I was folding laundry this morning I started thinking about the fact that I’ve been living the past year in panic mode.

I like being calm–who doesn’t? I think that scrounging around for a crash diet/workout plan is a result of my panic. When I’m relaxed and calm, I just eat like a normal person. As we got closer and closer to home on Sunday, I felt so much anxiety that I stuffed myself with carbs to calm myself down–precicely because I knew that upon coming home I would feel like I had to get a job–no, really make a decision on a life career-pronto. Now, I’m sure that any rational thinking person would realize that this panicky fanaticism only stresses the body out even more, which in turn leads to overeating, stress eating, and making bad decisions.

My hypothesis: I need to calm the f*ck down.

My strategy:

  • gradually swap coffee for green tea
  • try to incorporate more yoga (finding a good yoga podcast is a start)
  • stop looking for any old crap job and give my leads a little time to work themselves out (I was planning on taking the summer off, anyway.)
  • And finally, I want to begin reading my materials for my dissertation. I’ve amassed quite a few articles that I want to look over and think about molding my Master’s thesis into something bigger, but I can’t do that if I don’t start somewhere.

What am I waiting for? A written invitation to start my life?  

Every second of my day does not HAVE to be a life or death situation. I have got to calm down before I give myself a heart attack before I’m 30.

Back to reality

It has taken me days to read up on how everyone is doing, and I still have not finished reading, so comments are coming, I promise!

 The trip was great.  I tried to reason with myself that I deserved to eat whatever I wanted because I hiked at least 3 hours every day, plus went white-water rafting for a few hours on Saturday. All and all, I did pretty well. I over ate a few times, and the 10 hour drive home on Sunday was not pleasant (both DH and I ate crap all day and felt like crap both Sunday and Monday) but I’m starting to feel better. Plus, I began to feel shitty about not having a job and realizing that I had to come home and face my messed-up life. DH keeps reminding me that I was going to take the summer off anyway and that it would be ridiculous to take a job in haste instead of being patient and waiting.

I have sent in my resume to quite a number of private schools and a few community colleges. Of course, what I really want to do is just go to school full time this fall and not worry about a real job. Ah, student loans. That’s not appealing, but it can be done. I’m trying to hold out to see what becomes of my job search, though. I don’t know.

Miraculously, I haven’t lost 30 lbs overnight. I must admit, I’m a bit disappointed about my weight and the fact that I can’t just “diet down” to 135 again. Diets fail, I keep reminding myself.  I eat what I want. I’ve just gotta get rid of this guilt thing.

Oh, and on a suckier note, when we came back from the trip we noticed someone broke into our washroom and stole both of our bikes (mine had a brand new seat that I’d never even used), DH’s weed-eater, blower, and extension cord. They also tried to steal his lawn mower, but hey, their little evil- stealing-worthless-thief-hands couldn’t possibly carry all of that loot PLUS push a lawn mower. Now they will have to wait a little longer to start their summer lawn-cutting business.

Disgusting world we live in. F*ckers.

WTF, wordpress??!!??

So, I just wrote a fantastically witty and insightful post about our trip to Gatlinburg (we’re leaving after lunch today, right after DH’s final exam) and it is GONE!

It’s not saved half way. It has disappeared. I’ll have to make a long story short:

going hiking and white-water rafting

will eat pancakes with butter and not feel guilty

“Gatlinburg is for Lovers” tee shirts

Sadie broke my in-laws kitchen window

Told in-laws I’m worthless and unemployed

did not binge yesterday despite yesterday sucking

If my in-law’s 3 dogs (pomeranians) do not stop the barking every few seconds, I may start poking my own eyes out and stuff my ears with biscotti

Be back on Monday. Don’t wait up.

sweet nectar

Taking care of yourself is hard work. There is so much conflicting information in the world right now that it is almost impossible for a decision-making-challenged person like myself to make a positive lifestyle change that sticks.

Anything I finally decide to do for health reasons backfires.

I think that this may have something to do with latent diet mentality. Though I thoroughly express my satisfaction with myself for eating whatever I want when I’m hungry, I wonder if I’m really eating what I want. I have been eating lots of whole grains, fruits, and veggies, which makes me feel good–plus, they’re tasty. But then when I contemplate the fact that I use conventional produce instead of organic, I obsess about the pesticides and growth hormones I’m ingesting. I really want to eat all whole foods–items without preservatives, artificial ingredients, or hormones. Right now, it’s just not possible.

My main issue is that I can’t seem to shake the artificial sweeteners. Just drinking water is like prison to me.  Of course, you must consider that my Mom practically switched me from formula to Mountain Dew at day three. By age 12 or so I was so cognizant of my own obesity that I switched to Diet Coke, while my petite mother scoffed at me “how can you drink that?” she would ask. Easy. You keep telling me I’m fat, so this is all I know to do about it–start living my life married to the word “diet”.

Today I stopped in Walgreens to get a magazine and I also picked up two packs of Wyler’s drink mixes for my boring bottled water (it’s like a cheap Crystal Light). Of course, it’s filled with chemicals. Bleh! My problem is that if I only have water and juice around to drink, I freak out about the calories in juice and drinking water is like death unless I’ve just worked out. So I have to have a little “backup” to safely allow me to drink a sweet, refreshing beverage.

WTF? All the time and energy I spend trying to wean myself off of sweeteners and then I go and purchase more. Plus I bought a 6 pack of Propel for our vacation this week (did I ever mention that DH and I are going to the mountains on Wedensday?). And I got a Coke Zero for the ride home from Walgreens.

If I really was eating/drinking what I want, I would toss the sweeteners and drink juice and water while forgetting the calories involved. I would also stop using powdered non-dairy creamer.  And I would by as much organic, whole foods as possible.

I just can’t.